SAME SAME
Francis Bacon
The same loneliness that had gripped him when the children were growing up, when he had spent night after sleepless night working, pacing, thinking, sometimes communicating on the internet with other night owls or people in other time zones. He couldn’t cruise the late night bars because they lived in a dangerous part of town and he was the only adult caring for them. And now, essentially, the feeling was the same. There was no one there; or no one close or sympathetic. Not that he could expect any such thing anymore, no longer being a physical beauty or endowed with sufficient billions to provide the illusion of power or attractiveness.
Now the sounds of derision echoed through every street, haunting, and he wanted out, any way, anywhere. These were the times he had known as a child. These were the times he had known buried beneath the lead aquarium that became his waking consciousness during the lengthy middle years of a life that had passed too quickly, and these were the times that had descended on what passed for old age, 60 years.
He hadn’t meant to get here.
And as corny as it sounded, he felt jealous of the 20 somethings frolicking around him, so obviously enjoying their lives, enjoying a drink and each other’s company, flirtations and outrage and gossip, none of which he was a part. It was a wonderful time to be young; the freedom, the music, the color of everything. His wasn’t a stony silence, it was a gap partly from the language he still struggled to surmount; and the fact that he just wasn’t like them. You’re suffering from terminal uniqueness, some old soul would say; but there weren’t that many of the old souls left anyway.
Everything was a trap.
He had forgotten how to enjoy himself in a normal way.
Pursued for so long, many of his possessions had disappeared until he was honed down to a simple bag and a simple life. But at least now he had a computer back, and could do some of the things he liked to do.
Why he should feel so bleak in such a fascinating city he had no idea; except that he didn’t trust anybody anymore; and therefore didn’t feel many close friendships. Those he had known in his country of origin had fled and in turn he had fled the country. Disease had killed so many of them; but so had the excessive lifestyles they had once thought were such pioneering adventures. So was the ridicule. The Kai Jow Aeks were back, as if he had never understood him either. Which of course was why he had been so amply indulged. Because he had long stopped thinking anyone would love him just for him.
But the Kow Jai was a simple insult they felt entitled to make. The news that he had to wait several more days for his passport had been the last thing he had wanted to hear. He had no plan to fill the interminable days. He had lost his love of what had seemed one of the most fascinating places on earth. And knew, instinctively, the only way to ever get it back was to leave, and come back a new person, with a fresh approach, a fresh determination. If that is what he chose to do.
The lack of a computer since he had been driven from the 31st floor of his small condo in the ITF Tower on the corner of Silom meant that rather than living in Bangkok, he had simply been lingering, wandering from one cheap set of accommodation to the next.
And Phuket had proved much the same, staying with friends in the middle of the island, far from the action, even far from the beach. The last time he had felt so strongly he was in the wrong place at the wrong time had been not long before the birth of his daughter, when, on the island of Crete, where his partner had thought it would be nice to bear their second offspring amongst the child loving Greeks, and everything had gone wrong.
It had been on their first night on the island, in a giant hotel curving around the small harbor. It being the off season they were the only residents. And the freezing wind whipped off the Mediterranean and through what should have been picturesque white washed street. They found an open restaurant; but once you’ve travelled with someone for a while breakfast, lunch and dinner can prove to be a conversational strain. When they got back to the hotel their son, who had barely turned one and just begun walking, threw mussaka and milk all over the double bed. At exactly the same time as a particularly strong gust of wind blew in the entire curved window of the room, shattering glass all over them.
The next morning he had been up at the Greek Orthodox Church going, Dear God, I’m in the wrong place at the wrong time. Help me. Help my partner. Help our unborn child. Help our son.
And as things turned out so God, or fate, did exactly that.
What fate held now he had no idea.
Driven to distraction and driven out of a country that had once fascinated him; yes he could admit his own faults in the whole scenario, not that it mattered now, he was unsure which way to step. All he knew was that plenty of work lay ahead. And fortunately for him, he enjoyed work, if not a lot else some days.
THE BIGGER STORY:
UP to one million Australians are expected to leave behind the rat race of city life to live and work by the sea or in the country in the next three years.
Research by Online lifestyle adviser Sea Change Success shows more than 200,000 city dwellers will radically change their lifestyle with a seachange, while more than 700,000 will move to a regional area.
It reveals 350,000 people contemplate making a seachange each year, but only 20 per cent of those who consider moving make it happen.
However, 80 per cent of those are glad they did it and wish they had made the change sooner.
National Seachange Taskforce executive director Alan Stokes said most people contemplating a move out of the city did so while holidaying in a coastal area.
"It would start out with people imagining what it would be like living in the community rather than just going there for holidays," he said. "The big attraction is the environment, the beach, the idea of bringing up your kids in a more natural, attractive environment.
"People acquaint living in the city with high levels of daily stress."